You Know You Have a Good Job When...

...You can make the executive decision that you are going to read the new James Patterson before anyone else gets to.  Ha!

Zoo by James Patterson (but really by Michael Ledwidge) is like diet Crichton.  And I'm a Crichton fan so, thus far, it's fairly entertaining.  Need a good beach read?  Pick up Zoo from your nearest library.  Who was it?  John Ruskin?  Once said, "If a book is worth reading, it is worth buying."  I used to practice that religiously.  So I can say, seriously, rent Zoo for free. 

One of these days, I'll have to tell y'all what Tuesdays are like.

Anyway, today was my Friday.  And it was actually Friday!  What a feeling.  Of course, because it was Friday, all the usual end-of-the-week weirdness took place.  (Across the the MODOC, the libraries generally get all of the weirdness on Fridays.  This is why I instigated the "You Know It's Friday When..." emails.)

1. One of my favorite employees was just released from disciplinary segregation and immediately came to the library and was all, "I'M GOING TO BE AT WORK THIS AFTERNOON!  I COULDN'T WAIT TO GET OUT OF THERE!  I STILL HAVE A JOB?!  YEAH!"  And then went woo-hoo-ing back to his house.  Yes, he was a little excited.  And for a big, loud ADD man, he was being a bit restrained.  For him.
2. This morning, my second-newest employee kept asking me questions.  Yes, he'd been told all this 2 and 3 times by various people (including myself), but ask away he did.  Almost to the detriment of my sanity.  No, if patrons have an overdue book, they may NOT check anything else out.  No, not a book.  No, not a magazine.  No, not even a newspaper (same in the system as a magazine and he knows this).  Yes, the overdue item may be a magazine, but that means you have to check the magazine back in before he can get his books.  Stop interrupting me.
3. This afternoon, Disciplinary Segregation Employee was waaaay too excited to be back at work.  And I could tell he was back.  If the decibel level of the library rises about 100 million levels, he's definitely working.  And he couldn't wait to do newspapers.  He's special, that's for sure.  Excellent customer service skills, though.
4. And my law clerk, whom I normally enjoy (he's got jokes), complained all day about how one of his cellmates has the flu.  And is in the process of infecting everybody around him.  Because, according to Law Clerk, everybody who might possibly be carrying even one bacterium or bit of virus is trying to infect him.  Let's just say that Law Clerk loves the bleach.  Comes into my office at least 3 times per shift, and he works three shifts a day, to get the bleach water to disinfect whatever he's about to touch and the doorknob.

My job is amusing.  I can say that, at least.

What I've Been Reading Lately

First!  Good thing I'm going to St. Louis tomorrow.  I'll be able to experience Tropical Depression Isaac for twice as long as anyone I know!  Whoo!  /sarcasm

Well, when I actually socialize (not often, granted, but it happens), I get a lot of "so, read anything good lately?"  WELL.  I've been "in-house reviewing" a lot of books this week.  And this one just wrote its own review in my head while I was driving home tonight (not great, but totally accurate):

Waking with Enemies
Eric Jerome Dickey
978-0-451-22274-9 (yes I remember the ISBN 4 hours later)

Pretend you are out to eat at a fast food joint.  Imagine a French fry.  Imagine a side of ketchup (or cheese or ranch or whatever, but I like ketchup). Imagine how a French fry exists to bring the ketchup to your mouth. 

Now pretend that you are reading Waking with Enemies by Eric Jerome Dickey.  The plot, Gideon, a professional hit man salted with the rage of a traumatic childhood is on the run from retribution for his last hit, is the French fry.  The sex, frequent and graphic – he is something of an international man of mystery, after all – is the ketchup.  Plot and sex, French fry and ketchup, complete a recipe for a perfect bite of non-cerebral bliss.  

Only imagine there’s no French fry.

I held on, oh I held on for over 200 pages, waiting for the plot to get started; and it must be a good one to be this late in coming, right?  Nope.  In addition, most of the time the reader can’t tell which character is speaking.  Is it Gideon?  One of the two women he liaises with every chance he gets?  The man out to kill him?  The characterization is so bland and the dialogue so quick, yet banal, there’s no point in trying to figure it out anyway.  There are a couple of good action scenes late in the book, and a couple of minor, predictable twists.  However, these slightly brighter points only shine the light on the sole purpose of this book:  a vehicle for the author to vicariously live a James Bond-like life of beautiful women, expensive restaurants, underground contacts, danger, and, most of all, lots of descriptive sex.  

Verdict: Only pick this one up if you're dying for punishment.

Too Much James Patterson...

...rots the brain.  That's the reason there haven't been any Readers' Advisory updates - because all I've been reading is James Patterson and nothing has been recommendable until Kiss the Girls, which I finished this morning.  However, I'm pretty sure that everyone who's literate and over the age of 14 has read this, or seen the movie, and I am not planning on reviewing it (although I probably should to keep in practice).

Meant to post last week, because last week was a Week of Firsts for me.  First full week of open library hours, first purchases delivered, first random staff drug screening.  That last one is the event that really stands out because it was totally awkward.  Dear Boss, when you tell me to go to this one room at this one time and I have to SHUT DOWN THE LIBRARY TO DO THIS, I really wish policy would let you tell me not to pee before I go there.  My workers were cool with my delay, though, so it's all good.

This week has been all about getting my Monthly Report in on time (got it in early!), ridding my office out of the 10 bajillion books that are laying about (New Books, Repairs, and Random Piles Left to Me That Are Not Labeled), and compiling worker schedules/duties...oh AND working on my budget.  I can't wait until I go to the budget meeting and everyone's like, "Why do you need these not-quite-super-swanky baskets and little drawers and scotch tape?"  And I get to reply (in a professional manner), "Have you seen my supplies cabinet?  No?  Go find me my 2-inch clear book repair tape with the peel-off backing in less than 2 minutes and then tell me I don't need hundreds of dollars of organizational supplies.  Oh, and did I mention that we're down to our last two half-rolls of scotch tape and I won't be able to buy any more for at least a month?"  Yes, I like to be organized where I work.

Two final notes: 

1. I love my job.
2. I am quickly learning to hate covering paperback books.

Next week?  Developing policy.  Should be fun.  Have some ideas already.

Filler

After a very eventful weekend and a rather quiet "weekend" (my weekend is Sunday and Monday), I'm rather bored.  Today I finished two books, got a readers' advisory posted, put on real pants, debated whether to buy or rent, updated my reading list, stretched out my poor back, did an epic load of crunches, put a bunch of books on hold at the library, and didn't do the one thing I planned on doing today (folding the whole half-basket of laundry).  Well and thoroughly bored.  Thank goodness I work tomorrow.

Did I mention that I recently (finally) read Room and have done a readers' advisory?  (Criticism welcome as it hones my rusty skills.)

Back to Work (the Future?)

First off, Windows Starter with Windows Whatever The F* It Is Now is friggin’ annoying.  I can’t program it to start with either single or double spacing (as opposed to 1.15 spacing with 10 pt. whatever) in 12 pt. Times New Roman (AS IS NORMAL) instead of 11pt. Calibri, a font of which I’ve never even heard.

So, today was the First Day Back from the three weeks of “basic training” at the Central Office.  Basic was not…quite…as basic as I’d hoped.  Simultaneously as boring as I feared and more entertaining than I’d hoped.  Hey man, I learned how to cuff people two different ways AND use pepper spray…neither of which I will ever use.  But hey, if I’m not learning how to use the radio I’m forced to take with me every day, why not be forced to learn defensive tactics when I’m not allowed to carry cuffs or pepper spray?

Anyway, First Day Back was more about answering my email and stopping my head from spinning around in that Exorcist minus the pea green vomit way.  (Same facial expressions applied, believe me.)  First it was all OMG Drowning in Emailz.  Then it was OMFG Drowning in Paper Mailz for Too Long.  Oh, and did I mention that I have a Book Order due yesterday?  (NB: As of posting, possibly 2 or 3 days ago.)  I checked.  All other institutions had between 170 and 200 books on their lists.  I currently have 10.  I’ve tried. Future Librarians Listen to Me, learning, knowing, and being intimately involved with your collections takes time, effort, love, and ever more time and effort.  And possibly love.  And maybe some passion.  I have all of the above, but right now I’m more concerned with getting copy paper and library cards, and if I have time, some correction ribbon for the typewriters. 

Honestly, today I spent most of my time typing up purchase requests so that I could spend the sweet dolla dolla bills that have been approved in my budget.  Because I need barcode scanners and mazagines and newspapers I will never read…BUT MY PATRONS WILL.

And in the end, that’s all that matters...

Until I tell them they only have hand-me-down romance novels from the women’s institution to read for the next 3 months.

(I don’t think they’ll complain.  I’ve skimmed them all…they’re, uh, not bad.)  ;-)

Oh, and don't hold this against me, but I have two more Readers' Advisory to do, for one of which I've lost my notes and just returned to the library, and the other I haven't written notes on yet.  And I've just started a new, critically-acclaimed book.  I'll work on this, I promise.

Basic Training

First of all, let me tell you that I have been sitting in a McDonalds for the past two hours scamming some free internet, drinking soda, and generally looking schizophrenic to the casual observer (randomly typing and laughing while wearing headphone on).

For this Prison Librarian, there are three types of training: Library-Specific, In-House (tailored to the institution), and Basic, which every employee of the Department of Corrections must attend and which I have just completed my first two weeks out of three. 

The first week was primarily Corrections basics, mostly based on department policy, sensitivity training, and “stress management”.  Some good stuff, some really annoying stuff, but I both understand and appreciate the need for all employees to have a standard core to fall back on should something happen.  Professionalism, Code of Conduct, Mission, Values, and how the rehabilitation procedure is supposed to work…yes, all us employees should probably know this.

This second week we got into the more “in-depth” stuff.  Let me tell you, though, Constitutional Law and the rights of the offenders is not exactly the most exciting way to begin your week.  The other things, which I’ll probably never use, came later.  So, this week I learned how to cuff an offender two different ways, how much force I’m allowed to use in an emergency, how to do a frisk search, and how to proceed with a crime scene.  I’m a librarian.  I have my own CO.  Chances are I’ll never have to use any of this.  But whatever, it’s new info, so it’s interesting…and the hands-on stuff was wicked cool.  (Prison hooch?  Playing with real-live handcuffs?  Oh yes.) 

Anyway, I’ve been collecting Lessons of the Day, because the trainers say some truly wise/funny things about once a day.  Thus:

• ·         Never come to work nekkid. (It’s Mid-Missouri, what can I say?)
• ·         Never give up your snitch.
• ·         Peace and Love and Hug a Thug
• ·         Old age and treachery will overcome youth and skill.

That's all for this week.  Although you never know, I might get the next What I'm Reading done this weekend!  (pfft, right.)

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Readers' Advisory

The first book reviewed for readers' advisory is now up - Ballistics by Billy Collins.  W00t!